Saturday, 30 August 2014

Jihadi Humour

when two tribes go to war - abu ghraib and islamic state
Cameron announced that the UK is facing the worst ever terrorist threat.

The following morning the BBC website showed a review of the papers captioned something like this...

"Papers focus on extreme terror threat to the UK, and look forward to the return of X-Factor".

It sums up the hysteria and pointlessness quite well.  So here are some jihadi jokes based loosely on the nightmare end of days apocalypse that we are apparently facing.


Hamas representatives have announced that they can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Music Hall Jihad

I say - my dogs got no head.
How does he smell?
Not so good.

I say - my Moslem wife has gone to Syria.
No Syria you infidel.

Terror Threat Levels

Without trying to be funny - there is something ridiculous about the government threat warning.  It consists of five levels - low, moderate, substantial, severe and critical.  It is stupid, arbitrary and boring.

Curiously, despite the current Jihad threat being the worst we have ever faced, etc., MI5 are still maintaining a separate set of levels for Northern Ireland.  Maybe that helps with perspective.  Apocalypse in Iraq and genuine occasional bomb-threat in Belfast.

Here's a threat level cartoon.

terrorist threat level pictogram

Jihadi Jokes

The standard jokes are anything but.  They are simply the usual fear and racism with the target name changed.  The same old awful 'jokes' that have been around as long as hate itself.

The only good Jihadi is a dead Jihadi - and so on.  Unfortunately, in the absence of that type of thing, I need some real humour.  Most of the really funny stuff is being perpetuated by hysterical  Western governments and media.

I will work on material that involves heads falling off.  Did you hear about the Jihadi who lost his head over some girl?  Something like that although it needs to be funny as well.

Crusade Humour

Moslem and Christian Crusade fightersThere must be some mileage in jokes about the Crusades.

Too soon?  It was hundreds of years ago.

There is an oddity about young British Moslems going off to fight in the Middle East for a Jihad.

Way back in history it was young British Christian men.  Same place - different religion.

Caliphate Now Opening

Everyone now knows what a caliphate is.  It is an area of land that was historically part of the Otterman Empire.  An Islamic State.

It seems that it was OK for Western powers to create Israel after the Second World War but not OK for the artificial Syrian and Iraq borders to be reorganised.

The British Royals like opening fetes and they are good friends with the Saudis, who sponsor extreme Islamic terrorism.  It would be a great public relations opportunity all round if they could cut the ribbon on the new borders.

"I declare this caliphate open".

More great Jihadi humour coming soon!

Sunday, 6 July 2014

How Civil Servants Can Lose a Dossier

The Civil Service spends all its time documenting every minute detail.  We hold millions of files - paper and electronic - on all aspects of public and private life.  It is our job!  However there may be times when you are required to lose a file.

This is how to proceed.

The Minister who wants you to lose the sensitive document - which may detail allegations against Ministers - will give you a special wink when he passes it over.  "Store this very carefully" he will say and you must pay attention to his face.

He will give no more clues and he will never put an instruction in writing.  It is up to you to use your initiative.  Being a civil servant this is a very difficult thing to do but other more senior servants of the Crown will help.

Once you are assured that the file needs to be destroyed you have a number of choices.


In non-smoking offices this has become considerably more difficult.  A favoured place to take documents for a small fire is Hamsptead Heath.  If disturbed you can say you are observing badgers.


Shredding facilities are available on each floor.  You need to make sure they are double cross-cut and flush the shredded documents down a toilet.  Do not use the one next to the Cabinet Office as that is prone to blockage when Mr.Gove is in.


The old spy stories would suggest a document can be eaten.  It is not possible with hundreds of pages detailing abuse allegations against MP's.  Unless you have the time to prepare some sort of stew to feed to many homeless people - forget it.

Give the Files to the Press

Many of the editors and owners are in receipt of, or expecting, a knighthood.  If you hand these papers over "for immediate publication" and give them the special wink - they will never be seen again.

Use the "Lost" Filing Cabinet 

Next to Mr.Gove's office is the special filing cabinet for losing sensitive material.  Anything that goes in there is deemed lost and will only be used in cases of National Emergency such as a Labour Government being accidentally elected.

The Police

Give full details and folders to the police and launch an immediate enquiry.  Nothing will ever happen. Absolutely guaranteed.  They protected Savile and kept Hillsborough quiet for years.  Please do not overuse this option - they are busy people!

Saturday, 5 July 2014

Did Rolf Harris Really Deserve Five Years?

Rolf Harris and kangaroo
Rolf Harris has been sent down for five years and nine months.  He is eighty-four years old. 

Many women will be thinking that if only they had been groped by Rolf instead of every other man on the Tube, in the office – they might have had some comeback.

As for the age of the victims.  The Rolling Stones “Stray Cat Blues” is an enlightening attitude to underage sex.  Well done Sir Mick Jagger!  Major luvvie favourite John Peel was not averse to the younger woman.

Put simply – there are many men, famous or not, who are as guilty as Rolf if not more so.  They will be free this morning and should celebrate their good fortune.

After spending millions on the Yewtree investigation and suffering some high profile prosecution failures the police badly needed a result with the Rolf trial.  They got their man.  His sentence will achieve nothing, help no-one but now the public have a hate figure.

We need our pound of flesh.  We were thwarted over Jimmy Savile and Cyril Smith because they died before we could get to them.  Now we can put Rolf Harris in the stocks and if only we had hanging – or even better stoning – to deal with these vile people.

The verdict is a perfect distraction with some excellent timing.

On the same day – a personal friend of the Prime Minister and Rupert Murdoch – was also sent to prison.  Andy Coulson, found responsible for sanctioning crimes such as hacking into a dead girls mobile, has been given a shorter prison stay.  Rebekah Brooks – another personal friend of the PM – was found not guilty. 

Ticking away in the background it appears that Leon Britten and the Home Office managed to ‘lose’ a dossier containing details of a paedophile network in Parliament.   Cameron does not want an inquiry into any of that business.

But don’t look over there.  Look instead at Rolf Harris, 84 years old, ‘vile pervert’ being carted off to die in prison.

Others Go Free

If Rolf is guilty and deserves this sentence then one wonders about these other cases.

The top Liberal who has been accused by many women of being a serial groper.  No prosecution yet.  This is not a historical case.

The Tory who regularly abused male researchers including at least one reported rape and who was found not guilty in a recent trial.

Two Coronation Street actors - both found not guilty.

Dave Lee Travis - who appears to have been free with his hands - also found not guilty.

What about the biographies written by famous people (Stones, Led Zeppelin, etc.) that openly brag of such goings on - and the support shown by establishment celebrities for Roman Polanski and his notorious case?

Update on Rolf Harris at Bullingdon Prison

The disapproving headline from the Mail or wherever reads "Rolf Ingratiates Himself By Drawing Cartoons".

It seems that prisoners are asking Rolf to do cartoon portraits of themselves or their families.  He is obliging them.  If I were a prisoner and Rolf did me a drawing I would be pretty pleased.

Some people are obviously not ALL bad and in my opinion Rolf Harris is one of them.  Cartoon on Rolf.